the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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