She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
the raccoons are back...
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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