Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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