We won't sleep together?
sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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