The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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