Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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