I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
