No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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