I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
