i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
