yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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