she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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