Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Randomize
