I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
