Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
