you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
