What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
