This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
