Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
