he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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