is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I can text with my tongue
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
