I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
