What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
