Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
