I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
