I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
