Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
