Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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