You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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