Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
