I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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