This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
