THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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