my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I need to calm my uterus...
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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