Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Randomize
