I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
