Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
