Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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