it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
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