We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
i think i just naturally attract stoners
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
