The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
