Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
