you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
