we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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