she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Randomize
