My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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