I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
