She went from zero to smokin in five shots
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
