did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
