Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Randomize
