All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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